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2004-03-16
As Iรขโฌโขd vowed after Richie Fairview put his buckknife into my side, I was careful what I did. I went to school each day but I did not torment any more bullies. Of course if they had decided to come looking for trouble with me I would have returned it to them in spades but none of them did. My encounters with Richie forever sealed my reputation as someone that you did not fuck with. The bullies had much easier targets than I to occupy their time.
I tormented no more teachers as I had my history and A&P instructors. I replied politely to their questions when I was asked with whatever answer they were looking for. I brought up no controversial subjects to them. I did my homework each day the moment I got home from school (except on those days that Anita had something for me to do; something that began to happen with increasing frequency). As the school year wound on and as winter became spring my grades improved greatly all across the board, dramatically some would even say, unbelievably a few uneasy teachers even noted. By the time the school year ended my grades were straight Aรขโฌโขs and my overall average had moved up considerably.
I similarly took no further chances with my skin. As a paramedic I used to shake my head sadly at how stupid teenagers were, assuming their own immortality. After Richie I realized that Iรขโฌโขd been even worse than they were. At least normal teenagers will acknowledge the possibility that they CAN die, even if they think it wonรขโฌโขt happen to them. But I had assumed that I COULDNรขโฌโขT die, that I was safe until thirty-two.
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That, despite eight years of scraping up the broken remains of idiotic teenagers off the streets of Spokane. I still shudder when I think of how easily Iรขโฌโขd climbed into the car with Mike that night of the kegger, of how easily he might have drunkenly driven over the edge of the levee, dumping us both into the Spokane River. How ironic that would have been, for me to come back and save Tracy from that fate only to suffer it myself, to put my parents through the same grief with a different child.
I avoided riding in cars with teenagers when I could. When I couldnรขโฌโขt, I snapped on my seatbelt and pulled it tight. Most of the time it was the first time the seatbelt in question had ever been fastened. I could tell that the driverรขโฌโขs and other passengers of these vehicles wanted to deride me, call me a pussy, and apply the other forms of peer pressure that teens use for their bizarre purposes. But they never did. Again, Richie Fairview kept them from speaking their minds. Occasionally someone would ask however, why I was doing it.
รขโฌลWell suppose we crash?รขโฌย Iรขโฌโขd ask.
รขโฌลWe ainรขโฌโขt gonna crash. รขโฌย Was the inevitable reply.
รขโฌลProbably not. รขโฌย Iรขโฌโขd say.
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รขโฌลBut itรขโฌโขs possible, isnรขโฌโขt it?รขโฌย
รขโฌลI guess. รขโฌย Theyรขโฌโขd shrug.
รขโฌลWell,รขโฌย Iรขโฌโขd theorize. รขโฌลIf we DO get into an accident, I wonรขโฌโขt get hurt as bad if I have this seatbelt on. It doesnรขโฌโขt inconvenience me in any way to have it on. It doesnรขโฌโขt hurt, it doesnรขโฌโขt restrict my movement, so why shouldnรขโฌโขt I have it on?รขโฌย They usually had no answer for that and would let the subject drop there. But they never put on their own seatbelts in response. They didnรขโฌโขt want to be called a pussy when Iรขโฌโขd gone.
One thing I absolutely refused to do was to get into a vehicle with someone whoรขโฌโขd been drinking and/or getting stoned. And since I didnรขโฌโขt enjoy walking home from places like the falls, I just avoided going with anyone where that was a possibility.
This policy led to problems between Mike and I, and we already had more than our share of problems. Our relationship had changed since my return and Mike didnรขโฌโขt care too much for it. I was no longer his trusty sidekick, willing to go along with everything that he wanted to do. I no longer smoked pot with him on the way to school because I wanted my head clear for classes. He tried every form of peer pressure he could think of to get me to change my mind but when I continually refused he blew up at me one day and stormed off.
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He didnรขโฌโขt speak to me or walk to school with me for three days and surprisingly, though it had been a childish outburst over a ridiculous subject, I was very upset by the episode.
I cared for Mike and I desperately wanted to pull him off of the path he was on. My conviction to do this became even stronger after the Richie Fairview incident. He had jumped in, without the slightest hesitation and grabbed hold of the hulking asshole, pulling him off of me. He had done that despite the fact that heรขโฌโขd been terrified of Fairview and that Fairview was holding a knife at the time. He had cast aside his self-protection instinct to come to my assistance and I could not forget that. Maybe if he hadnรขโฌโขt done that, maybe if heรขโฌโขd simply stood there during the attack unable to move, I could have simply let the friendship die and let him go about his life. But he hadnรขโฌโขt. Heรขโฌโขd jumped in there without a second thought. Goddamit I owed him something. I had to try!
As was his nature, he offered me no apology for his outburst. He simply showed up at my door for the walk to school the following Monday and acted as if nothing had happened. He pulled out a joint as we went along but did not offer any to me. I suppose that was as close to saying sorry as he could come.
So I continued to walk to school with him each day even though I didnรขโฌโขt really have to.
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Cindy, who had her own car and who took Tracy to school each day, had offered to give me a ride if I wanted. Her invitation did not include Mike, who she couldnรขโฌโขt stand, and so I declined it.
After school I would go over to Mikeรขโฌโขs sometimes or he would come over to my house and then, if Iรขโฌโขd finished my homework, I would smoke some pot with him. I learned to drop myself down to the level of a sixteen-year-old during these times and even managed to have a good time. I did not, however, go out on weekends with him anymore, always pleading other plans, which was usually true. Iรขโฌโขd found some interesting ways to spend my weekends that did not involve putting my life at risk with intoxicated drivers. Anita figured heavily in these plans most of the time. So did Cindy. Mike always seemed upset that I wouldnรขโฌโขt go out with him on the weekends but didnรขโฌโขt make a big deal of it. A status quo developed in our relationship, one that was due to break before long.
In April of that year Mikeรขโฌโขs Dad, a mechanic, fixed up a two hundred dollar Volkswagen Bug and gave it to Mike to drive full-time. I remembered the car well. It was a 68, the heater didnรขโฌโขt work, the upholstery was ripped and shredded, and the engine would constantly require attention from his Dad. Mike and I had had some good times in that car during my first trip through.
We would go to keggers, to parties, just out cruising.
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We would use the car to cut school with, driving to the river to go fishing.
Though I had no plans to do most of the stuff we USED to do in the car, I figured that simply driving a few miles to school would be safe enough. I was wrong. Mikeรขโฌโขs driving in that Bug used to scare me even before being recycled. It absolutely terrified me afterwards. It only took me one trip with him to realize that I was never going to set foot in it again. He picked me up for school the first day he had it and as soon as we were out of sight of my house, he pulled out a joint and lit it up.
รขโฌลYou sure you should be doing that while youรขโฌโขre driving?รขโฌย I asked nervously.
รขโฌลDoing what?รขโฌย He replied with genuine confusion.
I pulled my seatbelt tighter and braced myself.
In the course of the short drive to school he weaved recklessly in and out of the morning traffic. He rode up on the rear of vehicles when he had no room to weave, getting so close to them that, had they stopped, he would not have had time to even apply his brakes, let alone stop in time. He ran through one red light and three stop signs, giving only a careless glance as he did so. He smoked on his joint the entire time. By the time we pulled into the school parking lot I was trembling with fear.
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รขโฌลYou okay dude?รขโฌย He asked, looking at me with his stoned expression.
รขโฌลYeah. รขโฌย I said, feeling like I should kiss the ground.
รขโฌลHey,รขโฌย He said, รขโฌลHow about we cut out after my lunch? We now have freedom. รขโฌย
รขโฌลUh. . . no. รขโฌย I said, shaking my head. รขโฌลI got a test today in English. รขโฌย
He gave me a sour expression, one that I was getting used to from him. รขโฌลAll right. รขโฌย He said indignantly. รขโฌลBut you might have to walk home. Iรขโฌโขm not gonna stay here all day just because you wanna go to your classes.
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รขโฌย
รขโฌลThatรขโฌโขs cool. รขโฌย I told him levelly. รขโฌลI can get a ride home from Cindy and Tracy. รขโฌย
รขโฌลOh. รขโฌย He said weakly. รขโฌลWhatever. รขโฌย He went storming off.
I sighed, watching him go. I could not, would not get in that car with him again. So what was I going to do now?
As heรขโฌโขd promised, Mike and his car were long gone when school ended that day. I found Tracy and Cindy without much searching and they gave me a ride. Cindy elected to stay for a while once we got home. She asked me if Iรขโฌโขd acquired any new albums since her last visit.
Since our first encounter Iรขโฌโขd screwed Cindy ten or so times, always to our mutual satisfaction. We were never publicly seen together and both of us knew the rules of the relationship.
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It was a sexual relationship only. Our euphemism for it was รขโฌหlooking at albumsรขโฌโข in honor of our first time.
Even though Iรขโฌโขd purchased nothing new since my return, I told Cindy I had bought something the other day.
รขโฌลWell letรขโฌโขs go take a look at it. รขโฌย She smiled, standing up.
รขโฌลSure. รขโฌย I smiled back, following her.
Tracy watched us go, shaking her head and grinning.
Cindy and Tracy drove off to the mall later that day. After they were gone I picked up the phone and gave Mike a call. I wanted to get together with him and have a talk, to try to get him to see my point of view a little. I had a speech all set up in my mind. รขโฌลWhatรขโฌโขs up?รขโฌย He asked bluntly when he came to the phone. I could already hear hostility in his tone.
รขโฌลI was wondering if you wanted to come over for a little bit?รขโฌย I asked.
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รขโฌลOr maybe I could come over to your place. รขโฌย
รขโฌลI got things to do. รขโฌย He said. รขโฌลDid you get a ride home today?รขโฌย
รขโฌลYeah. รขโฌย I answered. รขโฌลCindy gave me. . . รขโฌย
รขโฌลCool. รขโฌย He interrupted. รขโฌลDo you want a ride tomorrow, or is she going to take you then too?รขโฌย
รขโฌลThatรขโฌโขs kind of what I wanted to talk to. . . . รขโฌย
รขโฌลYou want a ride or not dude?รขโฌย He demanded, an unmistakable ultimatum in his tone.
ฮบฯฮนฯฮนฮบฮญฯ ฯฯ
ฮฝฮฟฮดฯฮฝ
รขโฌลIt donรขโฌโขt matter to me. รขโฌย
รขโฌลNo,รขโฌย I said. รขโฌลCindyรขโฌโขll give me a ride. But. . . รขโฌย
รขโฌลWhatever. รขโฌย He said. A second later the phone clicked in my ear. I debated calling him back but didnรขโฌโขt. I knew it would do no good. Though I still maintained some hope for Mike, I couldnรขโฌโขt shake the feeling that Iรขโฌโขd failed. The school year continued to roll on. I caught rides in the morning and in the afternoon with Cindy and Tracy in Cindyรขโฌโขs Chevy Caprice that her Daddy had bought for her when sheรขโฌโขd got her driverรขโฌโขs license. Two or three times a week Cindy would develop a burning desire to go check out some of my albums.
I never turned down the opportunity to show them to her.
Mike kept his distance from me. He didnรขโฌโขt call me anymore, he didnรขโฌโขt come over. Before two weeks went by I would see him driving around a couple of freshmen in his Bug; kids heรขโฌโขd always made fun of before. Whenever I saw him he wouldnรขโฌโขt even wave at me, wouldnรขโฌโขt acknowledge my presence in any way. I would feel sadness whenever I saw him.
I began making a habit of eating lunch with Nina Blackmore through that year. It was less than a week before I stopped doing it out of simple pity or simple repentance for past sins or for simple attempts to change the future personality of a future bitch. I began eating lunch with her because I really enjoyed talking to her. I began to look forward to lunch each day so we could have another stimulating conversation on literature, life views, or some other topic. She was intelligent and pleasant once you broke through the years of torment sheรขโฌโขd endured. I guess Life has a way of forcing certain people to grow up faster than nature intended. The way her eyes lit up when she saw me approaching her in the lunchroom always let me know that she was glad to see me too.
By the time Mike abruptly ended our friendship Nina and I were quite close and able to confide pretty well in each other. As I entered the lunchroom the day after my telephone conversation she immediately noticed my upset expression.
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รขโฌลWhatรขโฌโขs wrong?รขโฌย She asked, giving me her shy smile. รขโฌลOh,รขโฌย I said, sitting down and opening my lunch bag. รขโฌลYou know my friend Mike that Iรขโฌโขve told you about?รขโฌย
รขโฌลYeah,รขโฌย She nodded. รขโฌลThe guy who likes to smoke pot all the time. รขโฌย
รขโฌลRight. รขโฌย I agreed. รขโฌลWell yesterday. . . . รขโฌย
I poured out the whole story to her, omitting of course the part about how Iรขโฌโขd once been a thirty-two year old and couldnรขโฌโขt relate to a sixteen year old very well anymore. She listened without interruption and then, when I was finished, looked at me thoughtfully
.
รขโฌลYou seem like youรขโฌโขre blaming yourself for this. รขโฌย She said.
I shrugged.
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รขโฌลWeรขโฌโขve been friends for a long time. Maybe Iรขโฌโขm being a little hard on him. Is it that much for him to ask for me to drive to school with him each day?รขโฌย
รขโฌลIf youรขโฌโขre putting your life at risk it is. รขโฌย She answered. รขโฌลIt sounds to me like HE is the one to blame for this, not you. He is the one willing to end a friendship over something so stupid as who you drive to school with and whether or not you smoke pot with him. รขโฌย
รขโฌลYeah, I know. รขโฌย I agreed. รขโฌลBut weรขโฌโขve been friends a long time. I canรขโฌโขt help but feel Iรขโฌโขve let him down or something. รขโฌย
รขโฌลIf youรขโฌโขve been friends a long time,รขโฌย She said. รขโฌลDonรขโฌโขt you think heรขโฌโขll eventually grow up a little and realize how stupid heรขโฌโขs been? Heรขโฌโขll come around. รขโฌย รขโฌลIt might be too late by then. รขโฌย I blurted.
She looked at me puzzled.
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รขโฌลWhy do you say that?รขโฌย
รขโฌลOh, just ignore me. รขโฌย I told her. รขโฌลI can be awfully bleak sometimes. รขโฌย I left the lunchroom that day feeling better about the situation. Though nothing had changed I always felt better after Iรขโฌโขd talked to Nina.
I also got into the habit of checking the business section of the newspaper each day. I would look through the stock market report, memorizing and tracking various stocks. It became such a routine at the breakfast table each morning that Dad quickly stopped asking me why I was doing it. In my former life Iรขโฌโขd followed stocks only as they related to my 401k plan. Now I was trying to get a grip on the market, to begin the process of understanding it and eventually mastering it. If I could master it I knew, I could master everything.
Summer break began. When I brought my report card to my mother I actually feared she was going to faint as she stared at it.
รขโฌลStraight Aรขโฌโขs Billy?รขโฌย She asked, looking at it in disbelief. รขโฌลYou?รขโฌย รขโฌลI guess I just started to take all that stuff youรขโฌโขre always sayinรขโฌโข about how education is the most important thing, seriously Mom.
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รขโฌย I told her.
An extended version of THE LOOK followed this.
รขโฌลDo you think you can make your tacos tonight?รขโฌย I asked next.
รขโฌลSure. รขโฌย She said numbly.
The summer went by quickly in a haze of hot days and sexual activity. Although Mike no longer hung out with me I found new companionship with Cindy and Tracy. My relationship with my sister had improved to the point where she was confiding secrets in me. She began telling me her hopes and dreams; that she wanted to go to law school, that she wanted to marry a nice man and have children, that she wanted a nice house and a nice car. These were things Iรขโฌโขd never known about her since her life had been cut short before weรขโฌโขd gotten out of the teenage rivalry stage. She also no longer seemed to have a problem being seen with me. Maybe something Iรขโฌโขd said, something Iรขโฌโขd done had given her a little kick in the head, but she treated me that summer as a friend and companion, taking me with her when she went to parties, either with Cindy or with one of her other friends.
Sheรขโฌโขd also developed a similar aversion to being in a car with an intoxicated driver; an aversion sheรขโฌโขd managed to share with Cindy. Whenever we went out one of the girls would stay sober enough to pilot the car safely home. They developed a designated driver rule long before that buzzword caught on.
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I always suspected that my little speech to Tracy that one night had a lot to do with it.
It was from Cindy and Tracyรขโฌโขs ranks of friends that I chose my sexual companions. They were both part of the popular crowd, members of the elite and in my previous life I would have been intimidated as hell to be at a party with them. But now things were different. I could not bring myself to be intimidated by teenagers, but oh how I lusted after them. I rarely left a party without using one or more of the condoms I carried with me at all times. I got to sleep with girl after girl from my fantasies and it was usually THEY who would approach me thanks to an underground reputation I had developed among the females.
The guys at these parties, who were for the most part older than I, either seniors or college freshmen, were oblivious to what I was doing. Despite my reputation with Fairview they considered me harmless, even as I was taking their girlfriends out for a little walk while they were playing a game of quarters or having someone pour beer down their throat with a beer bong. They wondered what I was doing there of course. I was inevitably the youngest male in attendance and none of them ever chose to converse with me.
That was fine with me. As long as they saw me as no threat when they spotted me talking amongst the girls or having a private conversation with one of their girlfriends. Tracy told me once that many of them thought I was gay. They didnรขโฌโขt tease me about it because of Richie Fairview but that seemed to explain why I chose to hang out with the girls instead of trying to come over and talk football or cars.
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I never tried to convince them otherwise although the queer logic of this amused me to no end.
A guy wants to hang out with girls so he must be gay.
I had careful rules about my relationships during that summer. I generally didnรขโฌโขt sleep with anyone more than once and I made it clear that I desired no sort of commitment or ongoing relationship. I was in it for the sex and the sex only. Most of them understood this. They were in it for the sex too and happy that I was happy to keep my mouth open while it was on their pussy and closed afterword. I had two exceptions to this rule however: Cindy and Anita. I continued to sleep with both of them on a regular basis.
It was nice. They both understood the rules, especially Anita who had no desire to have anyone find out she was boffing a teenaged boy. They were also both on birth control so I didnรขโฌโขt have to wear a condom with them. It is nice to sink bare flesh into bare flesh for a change of pace.
Except for the rift with Mike and except for the absence of my discussions with Nina, which I missed, it was quite a pleasant summer. The best one Iรขโฌโขd ever remembered to that point.
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I got my learnerรขโฌโขs permit that August when I turned fifteen and a half. Dad then รขโฌหtaughtรขโฌโข me to drive.
รขโฌลYouรขโฌโขve caught on to this remarkably quick. รขโฌย He said, looking at me with something close to suspicion the first day.
รขโฌลTracy hasnรขโฌโขt been letting you drive, has she?รขโฌย
รขโฌลNo Dad. รขโฌย I assured him, expertly changing lanes, feeling ecstatic to be behind the wheel after, how long? More than six months? รขโฌลI guess I just have a knack for it. รขโฌย
รขโฌลSome knack. รขโฌย He said. รขโฌลI guess we wonรขโฌโขt have to go out all that often, will we?รขโฌย
September brought the start of my junior year and Tracyรขโฌโขs senior year. I had a whole new slew of classes and subjects that Iรขโฌโขd chosen a few weeks before. I was particularly pleased to find that I no longer had to take PE.
My first period class was Introduction to Molecular Biology. Mrs. Crookshank taught it and it was a subject I knew little about. Iรขโฌโขd taken it so that I could relieve some of the boredom of school by learning something new.
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I walked into class the first day and Mrs. Crookshank greeted me stiffly.
รขโฌลBilly,รขโฌย She nodded. รขโฌลItรขโฌโขs nice to see you again this year. รขโฌย
รขโฌลNice to see you too. รขโฌย I answered.
รขโฌลDo you like to read about molecular biology too?รขโฌย She asked me next. There was a hint of teasing sarcasm in her face.
รขโฌลNo Mrs. Crookshank. รขโฌย I said. รขโฌลIรขโฌโขm an MB virgin. รขโฌย
Before she had a chance to reply I turned to find a seat. I saw that Nina was in the class. She was sitting in the front row and all of the desks around her were empty.
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She gave me a weak smile, perhaps wondering if I was going to speak to her or not after the summer.
รขโฌลHi Nina. รขโฌย I greeted, walking over and taking the seat next to hers. รขโฌลHow was your summer?รขโฌย
It turned out Nina was also in my third period class; Geometry. I sat next to her there also. When the lunch bell rang we walked together to the cafeteria. We found our normal seats and began to talk as we ate. After only a few minutes it was if weรขโฌโขd only done this yesterday.
รขโฌลSo you still want to be a doctor?รขโฌย I asked her as we waded through the cafeteriaรขโฌโขs version of stroganoff.
รขโฌลOh yes. รขโฌย She nodded. รขโฌลThatรขโฌโขs why Iรขโฌโขm taking molecular biology. You have to be heavy in the science classes to get in. Especially if you want to get a scholarship. รขโฌย รขโฌลWhere is it you want to go?รขโฌย I asked her.
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รขโฌลAnywhere theyรขโฌโขll take me. รขโฌย She said. รขโฌลBut Iรขโฌโขd prefer U of W at Seattle. Itรขโฌโขs a top rated school but close enough so that I could commute home on vacations. If I get a good car that is. My parents donรขโฌโขt have that much money. รขโฌย
รขโฌลMine either. รขโฌย I agreed. รขโฌลI keep trying to get my old man to invest in the stock market but he wonรขโฌโขt do it. I donรขโฌโขt think he trusts my predictions of good stocks. รขโฌย รขโฌลDo you still want to study business?รขโฌย
รขโฌลI donรขโฌโขt really WANT to. รขโฌย I said. รขโฌลBut I think that I should. I think thatรขโฌโขs where my fortune lies. รขโฌย
She giggled, an action she would have been incapable of a year before.
รขโฌลStill gonna make that fortune huh?รขโฌย
รขโฌลI think Iรขโฌโขll have a good head for investment. รขโฌย I predicted. We ate in silence for a moment and then I asked, รขโฌลDo you follow all that molecular biology crap? I mean today was only the intro but it seemed pretty deep to me. Quite a change from A&P. รขโฌย
รขโฌลYeah. รขโฌย She nodded. รขโฌลIรขโฌโขve read up on it a little over the summer. Trying to get myself a little edge you know? But you know what confused me?รขโฌย รขโฌลWhat?รขโฌย
รขโฌลThe geometry. It sounded like he was talking in Latin. รขโฌย รขโฌลHe was. รขโฌย I affirmed. รขโฌลBut I think I got that handled. Itรขโฌโขs mostly just memorizing formulas it looks like. The actual math part is the algebra that we learned last year. If you can memorize the formula, you got it nailed.
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รขโฌย
รขโฌลYou must have a head for numbers. รขโฌย She told me, taking another bite.
รขโฌลI never did before. รขโฌย I muttered.
รขโฌลWhatรขโฌโขs that?รขโฌย
รขโฌลNothing. รขโฌย I answered, an idea suddenly striking me. รขโฌลListen, maybe we can help each other out. Why donรขโฌโขt we get together and study a couple times a week? You can help me with the biology and I can help you with the geometry?รขโฌย She looked up at me, speechless, her face reddening.
รขโฌลYou okay?รขโฌย I asked, wondering what Iรขโฌโขd said to embarrass her.
รขโฌลYou want to. . . study with me?รขโฌย She asked.
รขโฌลSure. รขโฌย I said.
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รขโฌลWhy not? We can either do it at your house or mine. You donรขโฌโขt live too far from me, do you?รขโฌย
รขโฌลNo. รขโฌย She shook her head. She gulped. รขโฌลAre you sure we should do that?รขโฌย
รขโฌลStudy together?รขโฌย I asked, confused. รขโฌลOf course I do. Whatรขโฌโขs wrong with that?รขโฌย She looked at me hard for the longest time, various expressions crossing her face; fear, doubt, elation, disappointment, determination. รขโฌลNothing. รขโฌย She said finally. รขโฌลWhen can we start?รขโฌย
รขโฌลI donรขโฌโขt know. รขโฌย I said, still confused. รขโฌลHow about whenever we get stuck on something. Itรขโฌโขs probably gonna be often the way I see it. รขโฌย Her face cleared a little bit and she seemed more composed. She giggled a little and shook her head.
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รขโฌลWhatรขโฌโขs wrong?รขโฌย I asked, nearing exasperation.
รขโฌลNothing. รขโฌย She chuckled. รขโฌลJust thinking weird thoughts. รขโฌย
รขโฌลI get those a lot too. รขโฌย I told her, still wondering what had gone through her head. I saw Mike in the halls of course but he didnรขโฌโขt talk to me, didnรขโฌโขt approach me. His locker was no longer next to mine. It seemed he had a new group of friends to hang out with; the freshmen kids from last year. They all looked as if they worshipped him. I sadly guessed that that was what he needed. I also knew that he would drop out by the end of this year and that I was powerless to stop it. I tried to approach him a few times and he simply walked away.
Nina and I started studying together on a regular basis and our friendly relationship deepened to the point that we became intimate friends; able to judge each otherรขโฌโขs moods with a glance, able to say nearly anything to each other. I became closer to her than I ever would have thought possible.
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I was closer to her than Iรขโฌโขd ever been to Mike. After all, Nina didnรขโฌโขt always try to top whatever story I told or try to convince me about all of the mythical dick she was getting. She didnรขโฌโขt try to get me to smoke cigarettes or cut school or get stoned. There was also no underlying sexual tension with her as there was with most of the other girls I knew. We just enjoyed being together, talking together.
She met Tracy and my parents on her first day studying at my house. It was somewhat awkward since Nina was very shy before new people and my parents were very curious about this girl I chose to have meet them. Though I was boffing nearly everything I could get my dick into at that point, Iรขโฌโขd never introduced anyone to them. I thought it kind of ironic that the one they were meeting was the one I had not had any sex with. Nina uttered monosyllable replies to Dad and Momรขโฌโขs inquiries about where she lived, what she planned to do, etc, and finally they left us alone. Tracy had only uttered a polite greeting and had retreated to her room.
After sheรขโฌโขd left, and after Iรขโฌโขd answered my parentรขโฌโขs interrogation and explained that we were only STUDYING together, that we were only friends, and that they should not start compiling a wedding list, I went upstairs to put my books away. Tracy was doing some studying of her own, this time to the accompaniment of Ozzy Osborne. She looked up as I passed and called me into the room. รขโฌลWhatรขโฌโขs up?รขโฌย I asked her.
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รขโฌลHave you no shame at all?รขโฌย She asked me.
รขโฌลWhat are you talking about?รขโฌย I asked.
รขโฌลItรขโฌโขs bad enough that youรขโฌโขre screwing all of my friends but isnรขโฌโขt that enough? Have you gotten bored with that and decided to start knocking off the shy egghead girls too?You are serious scum. รขโฌย
รขโฌลIรขโฌโขm not screwing Nina. รขโฌย I said, looking at my sister aghast. รขโฌลWe were just studying. Sheรขโฌโขs my friend. รขโฌย
รขโฌลYou donรขโฌโขt have any girl friends. รขโฌย She accused. รขโฌลYou have fuck partners. Are you seriously telling me that you invited that poor girl over here to study? You didnรขโฌโขt take her upstairs for a little private session before we all got home?รขโฌย รขโฌลNo. รขโฌย I yelled, shaking my head. รขโฌลMy god, am I that bad?รขโฌย รขโฌลAre you that bad?รขโฌย She laughed. รขโฌลDo you know how many relationships youรขโฌโขve broken up in the last few months? Do you know that more than four of my friends have dumped their boyfriends after they fucked you?รขโฌย รขโฌลNo. รขโฌย I said, and then, รขโฌลReally?รขโฌย
รขโฌลReally.
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รขโฌย She nodded. รขโฌลIt was kind of cute at first, how all these girls were trying to maneuver to you, to get you to notice them. But youรขโฌโขre getting out of hand. Iรขโฌโขve got girls coming up to me and pretending to be my friend just so Iรขโฌโขll introduce them to you. Of course I have to keep it quiet they all say. I just wanna meet him, talk to him a little. Did you know that they all talk about you in the locker room and in the bathroom? Do you know what they say about you?รขโฌย
รขโฌลWhat?รขโฌย I asked.
รขโฌลThey talk about you the way your friends talk about chicks like Steph. Youรขโฌโขre a male slut Billy. They describe what you do to them and how well you do it using the most disgusting terms Iรขโฌโขve ever heard. Theyรขโฌโขve even asked me if Iรขโฌโขve done you. Me! Your fucking sister!รขโฌย
รขโฌลIรขโฌโขm sorry Tracy, I never. . . รขโฌย
รขโฌลBut you know what they never say about you?รขโฌย She went on.
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รขโฌลThey never say how nice of a guy you are or how respectful you are. They never come up to me and say, รขโฌหGee Tracy, your brother is such a sweetheartรขโฌโข. All they talk about is how youรขโฌโขll eat their pussy like a goddam vacuum cleaner or about how youรขโฌโขll fuck them until they scream. They never talk about how theyรขโฌโขd like to take you home to meet their mom or about how theyรขโฌโขd like to be your girlfriend. They talk about how they can manage to get over to your house again for another session. รขโฌย
รขโฌลWow. รขโฌย I said, unsure what to think. Though Iรขโฌโขd known that I had a reputation among the girls I had no idea they talked the way Tracy was telling me. I was also disconcerted at my sisterรขโฌโขs anger about this. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was have her pissed off at me.
รขโฌลWow. รขโฌย Tracy mocked. รขโฌลThatรขโฌโขs pretty goddam profound. รขโฌย I sat down on the edge of her bed, setting my backpack full of books down. Tracy turned down the stereo a little.
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รขโฌลIรขโฌโขm sorry Tracy. รขโฌย I told her. รขโฌลI didnรขโฌโขt know that what I was doing was affecting you. I thought I was just having some harmless fun. And I assure you that Nina and I are just friends. I havenรขโฌโขt slept with her and I have no intention of doing so. รขโฌย She stared at me for a moment. รขโฌลYou know the damnedest thing?รขโฌย She asked. รขโฌลThe damnedest thing is that you ARE a nice guy and you ARE a sweetheart when you want to be. If you were an asshole it wouldnรขโฌโขt bother me for girls to talk about you that way but you arenรขโฌโขt. It bugs the shit out of me to hear people talk about my little brother that way. You would probably feel the same way if you went into the locker room and the guys were saying how well Tracy sucked dick or how sheรขโฌโขd fuck anyone who asked, wouldnรขโฌโขt you?รขโฌย
รขโฌลWell, yeah. รขโฌย I nodded. Would it bother me? I would want to kill whomever I heard saying that.
รขโฌลThatรขโฌโขs how I feel when I hear that.
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รขโฌย She said. รขโฌลAnd I canรขโฌโขt even defend you in front of them because itรขโฌโขs true. You DO fuck anyone who asks. รขโฌย รขโฌลIรขโฌโขm sorry. รขโฌย I repeated. I couldnรขโฌโขt think of a thing to say to her. I surely wasnรขโฌโขt going to say that I wouldnรขโฌโขt do it anymore because that would have been a lie. รขโฌลLook. รขโฌย She said. รขโฌลIรขโฌโขm just your sister. Iรขโฌโขm not gonna ask you to stop fucking girls. I know you wouldnรขโฌโขt do it anyway. But can you maybe tone it down a little? Cut it down to one or two a week? Or maybe hit up some of the other ones more than once?รขโฌย I laughed, shaking my head. รขโฌลIรขโฌโขll try Tracy. Iรขโฌโขll try.
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But remember, Iรขโฌโขm fifteen. Iรขโฌโขm at my sexual peak you know. รขโฌย
รขโฌลFuck you dickhead. รขโฌย She laughed back. รขโฌลIรขโฌโขm sorry I yelled at you, but you deserved it. รขโฌย
รขโฌลI suppose I did. รขโฌย I agreed.
รขโฌลYouรขโฌโขre really not fucking Nina?รขโฌย
รขโฌลIรขโฌโขm really not. รขโฌย I affirmed.
รขโฌลMaybe thereรขโฌโขs hope for you yet. รขโฌย She said.
So for Tracyรขโฌโขs sake I toned things down a little. Also for my own. I wasnรขโฌโขt sure I liked being referred to as a male slut. I stopped pursuing women with the vigor Iรขโฌโขd exhibited before, instead simply waiting for them to come to me.
I also began giving more repeat performances. By the time the snow flew I had, in addition to a new best friend, a small circle of girls that I regularly had sex with instead of a constant stream. It was enough and when one of the girls got tired of the relationship or met someone they wanted to have for a boyfriend, I would covet someone else.
To my surprise Tracy and Nina actually became something like friends. Nina would come over to my house twice a week or so to study and my sister, curious about the type of girl I would choose as a friend, made a point to talk to her each time she was over. Nina was slow warming up to my sister. I knew that this was due to her past treatment by other girls, which was both crueler and longer lasting than the torment sheรขโฌโขd suffered from boys. This was something I never would have suspected had she not told me and it disheartened me to think that the fairer sex could be even crueler to their own then boys were.
But gradually Nina lost her shyness before Tracy and even Cindy, who was also a frequent visitor to our house. The two older girls took Nina under their wing and taught her the finer points of fashion, talking her into replacing her plain clothes with more modern ones. They taught her how to put on make-up, accenting her facial features. They taught her how to fix her hair into something other than a ponytail. The change in her appearance was actually startling when you saw it. I was able to see the attractive doctor that she would one day be, although without the perpetually bitchy expression and mannerism.
And then came the day in early December when a cold winter storm was blowing across the Spokane area.
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Snow was being driven through the air by gusting winds that registered more than forty miles an hour. As I walked out to the school parking lot towards Cindyรขโฌโขs car the snowflakes hit me in the face like little shards of steel, stinging me and making me pull my hood and my scarf tighter around me. Snowdrifts were already more than ten feet high against some of the buildings and the ground was covered in white. If it had been snowing like this in the morning they would have closed the school.
Unfortunately the storm hadnรขโฌโขt geared up until late morning. When I got to the place where Cindyรขโฌโขs car had been parked I looked up to find nothing. I looked around the parking lot, wondering if I was mistaken about where sheรขโฌโขd parked. The wind cut into my face like a knife as I tried to locate the Caprice. It was nowhere to be seen. Other kids were rushing to their cars in groups of two or more, some of them slipping and sliding on the slick pavement. I saw no Cindy or no Tracy though.
รขโฌลWhat the fuck?รขโฌย I muttered, wondering where in the hell theyรขโฌโขd gone. It took me only a minute to figure out that I was stuck here with no other prospect but to walk home. I wondered if I would freeze to death before I got there. And then I spotted Raisin heading for his Falcon.
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I ran after him. When Raisin dropped me off in front of my house fifteen minutes later the sight of Cindyรขโฌโขs car parked at our curb did not improve my mood. I thanked Raisin and bade him farewell, trudging through the thick snow on the driveway to the front door, uttering foul things under my breath about sisters and friends that left brothers abandoned in a freaking blizzard.
The door was locked so I used my key, stepping into the warmth of the living room, prepared to chew out the traitorous girls. But they werenรขโฌโขt there. The television was off, and on the stereo turntable one of my Pink Floyd albums was spinning silently around at 33 and 1/3 revolutions per minute, the arm suspended above one of the tracks. A quick glance at the coffee table gave me a pretty good idea what had happened. An opened bag of Doritos was sitting there along with the remains of some sandwiches and a few candybar wrappers.
They were getting stoned! Theyรขโฌโขd left me to freeze to death in the snow so they could go home and get stoned. And theyรขโฌโขd probably smoked all of the pot before my arrival. The bitches! Where were they now? I began stomping through the house, looking for them.
When I approached the door that led out to the garage I heard girlish giggles coming from the other side. Fumed, I grabbed the handle and pulled the door open. What I saw on the other side made me freeze in my tracks.
Cindy and Tracy were out there all right.
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The smell of greenbud came wafting over me and there was an actual haze in the confined space. But the surprising thing was who was with them. Nina was there, her mouth applied to the neck of the bong, sucking a hit up through the water while Cindy held the lighter and cheered her. รขโฌลThatรขโฌโขs the way girl!รขโฌย Cindy encouraged. รขโฌลHit that shit!รขโฌย
Tracy looked up at me, her eyes half-lidded, a shit-eating grin on her face.
รขโฌลHey Billy. รขโฌย She haled. รขโฌลGlad you got home okay. You want a hit?รขโฌย Nina, hearing my name broke off what she was doing, leaving smoke curling from the bong. She saw the dumbfounded look on my face as I stared at her. She held my stare for a moment and then burst out into hysterical laughter, expelling a large cloud of fragrant smoke from her mouth and nose. Tracy and Cindy instantly joined her in hysterics. They were pointing at me as they doubled over in laughter. They laughed for nearly three minutes as I stood in the doorway and simply stared. I could not believe that they had actually gotten Nina stoned.
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I could not believe that sheรขโฌโขd gone along with it. What were they thinking?
When their giggles and chortles dried up I walked over to them. Nina started to say something and then burst into laughter again. Cindy joined her. รขโฌลYou got her stoned?รขโฌย I asked Tracy, who was the only one not laughing. รขโฌลAnd you had her cut school?รขโฌย
รขโฌลWe didnรขโฌโขt have her do anything.
รขโฌย Tracy told me, picking up a baggie and loading another hit into the bong. รขโฌลShe asked us if we had any pot. She wanted to try it. It seems all those stories you told her about smoking out made her curious. รขโฌย She giggled, jerking a thumb towards Nina. รขโฌลAs you can see, she seems to like it. Why didnรขโฌโขt you ever smoke any with her?รขโฌย
รขโฌลI didnรขโฌโขt think sheรขโฌโขd want to. รขโฌย I said, watching Ninaรขโฌโขs face. She would start to calm down a little and then would look at me and burst into fresh laughter.
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รขโฌลI guess you were wrong. รขโฌย Tracy said, handing me the bong and a lighter. รขโฌลI think thereรขโฌโขs a lot of things about Nina that you donรขโฌโขt know. รขโฌย รขโฌลWhat do you mean?รขโฌย I asked.
รขโฌลLater. รขโฌย She answered. รขโฌลHave a hit. รขโฌย
Oh well, if you canรขโฌโขt beat รขโฌหem, join รขโฌหem. I flicked the bic and put my mouth to the bong. Cindy and Nina both left shortly before Dad arrived home from work. I worried about the two of them on the snowy roads with a stoned driver at the wheel. I wouldnรขโฌโขt stop them from leaving but I made them promise to put on their seatbelts. I knew Nina would and I also knew the chances of them being in a fatal crash were slim. Most fatal accidents occurred during the summer months, when the weather was clear and when the drivers could barrel along at suicidal speed. During snowy weather everyone drove slow.
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While there were more accidents, they tended to be minor. You simply couldnรขโฌโขt generate enough kinetic energy to kill during a snowstorm. If Cindy got in an accident it would probably be a fender-bender. But then nothing is absolute so I worried. After dinner and dishes, while the household began to wind down for bed I found my way to Tracyรขโฌโขs room once again. Outside the wind was still howling against the windows, making the storm-shutters rattle and bang. They would have cancelled school the next day except for the fact that it was Saturday.
Tracy was lying on her bed, reading the latest (for that time) Stephen King book. She was wearing her standard pajamas, a long T-shirt.
รขโฌลWhatรขโฌโขs up?รขโฌย She asked as I tapped on the frame of her door.
รขโฌลCan I come in?รขโฌย I asked.
รขโฌลSure. รขโฌย She nodded, setting the book down and sitting up.
รขโฌลEarlier today,รขโฌย I started. รขโฌลWhile we were smoking out.
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รขโฌย
รขโฌลYeah. รขโฌย She nodded. รขโฌลWasnรขโฌโขt that some killer shit? I was droning all through dinner. Do you want to smoke some more? I still have a little left. รขโฌย รขโฌลNo,รขโฌย I said, shaking my head. And then I amended. รขโฌลWell, maybe tomorrow. But anyway, while we were smoking you said that thereรขโฌโขs a lot of things I didnรขโฌโขt know about Nina. รขโฌย
รขโฌลYeah?รขโฌย Tracy smiled a little.
รขโฌลWhat did you mean by that?รขโฌย I asked.
She gave me a very adult look. รขโฌลYou really donรขโฌโขt know, do you?รขโฌย She asked.
รขโฌลDonรขโฌโขt know what?รขโฌย I asked.
She took a deep breath. รขโฌลNinaรขโฌโขs in love with you Billy.
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รขโฌย
รขโฌลWhat?!รขโฌย
รขโฌลNot just infatuation, not just attraction, not just puppy-love, whatever the fuck that is, but love. L-O-V-E. The big one. The ultimate like. Sheรขโฌโขs head over heels in love with you little brother. รขโฌย
I was stunned into silence for a moment. Finally I said, รขโฌลDid she tell you this?รขโฌย
รขโฌลNo. รขโฌย Tracy said. รขโฌลShe doesnรขโฌโขt have to. Itรขโฌโขs pretty plain to everyone who talks to her. Iรขโฌโขve known it ever since I started getting her to talk to me.
She thinks youรขโฌโขre the shit. รขโฌย She shrugged. รขโฌลGod knows why. รขโฌย
รขโฌลWait a minute.
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รขโฌย I said, trying to deny it. รขโฌลI think youรขโฌโขre mistaken. Weรขโฌโขre good friends, we like to talk to each other, I can see how you would think. . . รขโฌย
รขโฌลIรขโฌโขm not mistaken Billy. รขโฌย Tracy said firmly. รขโฌลYou can accept it or not accept it. Iรขโฌโขm just supplying information for you. She is in love with you. No doubt about it. And sheรขโฌโขs terribly afraid that you donรขโฌโขt love her, that youรขโฌโขll never be interested in her, that youรขโฌโขll break her heart someday. รขโฌย
รขโฌลWhat? How. . .
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รขโฌลBecause Iรขโฌโขm a girl. รขโฌย Tracy answered before I could finish asking. รขโฌลWe know these things. She knows you could hurt her bad and she also knows she is powerless to prevent that if you decided to do it. She loves being around you but she wants more. Sheรขโฌโขs not getting more but she stays around because of the hope that someday she will. Sheรขโฌโขll stay as long as the slimmest hope remains of that. The only way youรขโฌโขll get her to stop loving you is to destroy her hope completely. She may or may not recover from that. Sheรขโฌโขs kind of a fragile girl, as you may have noticed, and I tend to think that maybe she wouldnรขโฌโขt.
รขโฌลIรขโฌโขm not telling you all of this to scare you or anything. I just want you to know what youรขโฌโขre dealing with here. She loves you. You are God to her. So you need to tread carefully with her because youรขโฌโขre playinรขโฌโข with her fuckinรขโฌโข emotions.
Do you understand?รขโฌย
รขโฌลNo. รขโฌย I shook my head. รขโฌลI do not. รขโฌย I became angry. Here I was a thirty-two, almost thirty-three year old and a seventeen-year-old girl was telling me about love? What the hell did she know about it? She was probably reading all kinds of things into Ninaรขโฌโขs conversations based on the romance novels that she obsessively read all the time. รขโฌลNina and I are friends. No more than that. Thatรขโฌโขs all weรขโฌโขll ever be. She likes me, she enjoys my company, but she doesnรขโฌโขt love me. I used to tease her in grammar school for Christ sake! Youรขโฌโขve got your signals crossed. รขโฌย
She picked up her book again. รขโฌลBelieve what you want Billy. รขโฌย She told me, dismissing me in a non-verbal way. รขโฌลBut Iรขโฌโขm not wrong about this. รขโฌย Winter went on.
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I got straight Aรขโฌโขs again in the first semester of school. Second semester began with Nina and I in three classes together. We continued to study together a few times a week. I always watched her carefully, listened to her words carefully when I was with her. She liked to be around me, that was for sure, as I liked to be around her. She valued my opinion as I valued hers. She joked with me, revealing a quick and witty sense of humor beneath her shyness, a sense of humor that I knew that no one but me ever saw. We enjoyed being together. We were friends, very good friends, best friends even. But love? I thought not.
On February 18 of that year, 1983, I went down to the department of motor vehicles with my Dad after school. I took the written test, passing with 100 percent. I then climbed in Dadรขโฌโขs Dodge Diplomat with a crusty old driving tester and took my driverรขโฌโขs license test. The instructor was impressed with my abilities, stating that sheรขโฌโขd rarely seen a new driver that operated a motor vehicle so well. She gave me a ninety-six on the exam, marking me down a point because I hadnรขโฌโขt parallel parked terribly well, something Iรขโฌโขd never mastered.
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I returned to the DMV office and had my picture taken. I was now a licensed driver.
As I drove my Dad home that day he congratulated me and gave me a brief lecture on safe driving. Doing his fatherly duty you understand. When he was finished I turned to him.
รขโฌลIรขโฌโขd like to get a job Dad. รขโฌย I told him.
รขโฌลA job?รขโฌย He asked, looking at me.
รขโฌลYeah. รขโฌย I nodded. รขโฌลI want to start making my own money. You know, so I can buy my own car and start putting money away for college. Stuff like that. รขโฌย รขโฌลWell thatรขโฌโขs admirable Bill. รขโฌย He told me, taken aback a bit.
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รขโฌลI certainly am not going to stop you. รขโฌย
รขโฌลCould I use the car on weekdays after you get home? If I find a job that is?รขโฌย รขโฌลI suppose. รขโฌย He told me. รขโฌลAs long as we donรขโฌโขt need it for anything. Of course you realize our insurance rates are going to go up now that you AND Tracy are listed on the policy. Also the gas is going to go up. And then thereรขโฌโขs Tracy. She likes to use the car too. รขโฌย
รขโฌลIรขโฌโขll pay for whatever the increase is. รขโฌย I promised. รขโฌลAnd Tracy and I will work something out. รขโฌย
รขโฌลYes. รขโฌย He said thoughtfully. รขโฌลI suppose you will. รขโฌย He told me.
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รขโฌลYou and your sister have been getting along pretty well this last year. รขโฌย He said. I shrugged in the way of teenagers.
รขโฌลMuch better than you used to. In fact, there was a dramatic change in your relationship and even in your personality some time ago. รขโฌย His eyes bored into me. รขโฌลIt was shortly before you got stabbed that time. รขโฌย
What was he saying? I felt suddenly nervous under his gaze. Dad knew something had happened to me but he didnรขโฌโขt know what. Did he? Was he simply probing for information? Or did he suspect the truth? The truth was nuts wasnรขโฌโขt it? He couldnรขโฌโขt be suspecting it. Could he?
รขโฌลI guess I just got my shit together Dad. รขโฌย I answered nervously. รขโฌลTracy too. รขโฌย
He continued to stare for a moment and then gave a slight shake of his head. รขโฌลDonรขโฌโขt say รขโฌหshitรขโฌโข.
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รขโฌย He finally responded. รขโฌลIf you want to get a job and if you and your sister can work out the car, then youรขโฌโขve got my blessing. รขโฌย รขโฌลThanks Dad. รขโฌย I told him.
I certainly did not want to work in one of the sweat shops that was a fast food joint so I didnรขโฌโขt bother applying at any of them. I had nothing but time I knew so I bided it carefully, only putting in applications at places where I knew I would be able to stand the pace. You have to understand that I had spent eight years as a paramedic. For all the gore we have to put up with, for all the responsibility that we are instilled with, for all of the abuse that we have to take, the job was anything but fast paced. On a twelvehour shift we would respond to an average of six calls, each one taking an hour or so to complete from the moment of dispatch until the paperwork was dropped off at the hospital. That left six hours of downtime on each shift. Sometimes, on slow shifts, it was even more. I knew I would not be able to handle working on a burger assembly line for hours at a time.
It was a pizza joint that eventually ended up hiring me in early March. The manager had granted me an interview and had started it by saying that he probably wouldnรขโฌโขt hire me since he generally only offered jobs to those with previous experience. รขโฌลWell Sir.
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รขโฌย Iรขโฌโขd told him. รขโฌลI can respect that opinion. And I understand it completely. รขโฌย
รขโฌลYou do?รขโฌย He asked, mildly amused, checking his watch for his next interview. รขโฌลI do. รขโฌย I said. รขโฌลBut Iรขโฌโขll tell you something. If you hire me you will not be sorry. In fact, Iรขโฌโขd venture to say that it would be the best hire youรขโฌโขll ever make. You know why?รขโฌย That got his attention. รขโฌลWhy?รขโฌย He asked.
รขโฌลBecause my father has instilled in me a solid work ethic. Heรขโฌโขs taught me that employment is sacred in this life, a thing to be cherished above all but the family unit. If I am given the position you will receive complete loyalty from me. I will show up each of my scheduled days on time and ready to work.
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I will do whatever jobs you see fit in whatever manner you see fit to do them. I am not your typical teenager who will call in sick when he hears that a good kegger is going on at the falls. I will put aside my personal life in order to fulfill my responsibilities to this restaurant and hopefully you will move me up the ladder of advancement as reward. รขโฌย I gave him my sincere smile. รขโฌลHire me and you will not be sorry. รขโฌย
He hired me. I started the following week making pizzas in the back and washing up dishes on Friday through Monday night from 5:00 PM to 10:30 PM. I did my job well, showing up on time, as Iรขโฌโขd promised, and completing all assignments given to me without complaint. After all, I had an adultรขโฌโขs work ethic. The manager was quite impressed with me. He often commented how mature I seemed. The pay was a pittance, $3. 25 an hour, which was minimum wage for that time, but it was income none-the-less and, as a kid, I had no real expenses to speak of. We were paid once a week, on Friday. My schedule entitled me to $71.
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50 each paycheck. Uncle Sam and Aunt Washington took $12. 00 from this, leaving me with $59. 50 in cold, hard cash. In my previous life Iรขโฌโขd been a horrible financial manager. I lived paycheck to paycheck, never maintaining a savings account except for my 401k, which was automatically deducted. Iรขโฌโขd run up a considerable debt with credit cards and car payments, not to mention alimony and child support. Iรขโฌโขd been in the rut familiar to many Americans, that being that you owe so much that you could only afford to pay the minimum payments on anything. This of course left you in exactly the same place each month, each year, since the interest on these things accumulated as fast as the minimum payments reduced them. Even before Mr. Li entered my life, even before the Spokane Fire Department began threatening to take my job from me, Iรขโฌโขd always wished that I had my financial history to do over again. Well now I did. I made another solemn vow. I would manage any money I got wisely, utilizing the brutal lessons Iรขโฌโขd learned before being recycled. I would not live beyond my means ever again.
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It was un-American of course, but I was going to do it.
I took $10. 00 of each paycheck for personal enjoyment type things. $5. 00 paid for the gas I used in my Dadรขโฌโขs car and another $5. 00 went to insurance rate compensation. That left me $39. 50 each week that had nowhere to go. I opened up a savings account at a nearby bank. I was amused and slightly offended to find that I had to have my Dadรขโฌโขs permission before the bank would open it for me. My God, what chaos would erupt if minors were allowed to open bank accounts without regulation. I began putting this money in there each paycheck. The interest on the account was a pittance, a mere two percent, but that was okay. The savings account was just a holding tank until I built up some capital. When I accumulated enough money, I had a better place in mind to store it.
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My parents watched all this with interest, not surprised at my work ethic, which Iรขโฌโขd learned from them after all and which theyรขโฌโขd expected nothing less than, but with my frugelness. You see, my money management skills in my previous life Iรขโฌโขd learned from them also. My parents, through my childhood and teenaged years had managed their money about as well as I did as an adult, which was not well at all. Iรขโฌโขm certainly not blaming them for my later troubles just explaining the fact that they were wondering where Iรขโฌโขd learned my money management. They watched my savings account grow each week (they had to co-sign my deposits) with respect and admiration and more than a little confusion. God forgive them, they even suggested I take some of that money out from time to time and enjoy myself a little. รขโฌลIรขโฌโขm saving for college. รขโฌย I would tell them. รขโฌลAnd maybe a car sometime soon. รขโฌย
รขโฌลI see. รขโฌย They would reply. รขโฌลThatรขโฌโขs very wise Billy. รขโฌย
My work schedule put somewhat of a kink in my sex life since the weekends had been my traditional boffing time. But it was only a minor kink. The girls that really wanted to experience my skills would find the time to be with me on weekdays.
I would generally have them come over immediately after school where I would take them to my room, show them the pleasure they were seeking, and send them on their way before Dad got home from work. On most of these days Nina would come over after the latest girl had departed and we would study together or just sit on the couch and talk, drinking soda and munching on chips or something, maybe watching some TV. Mom and Dad were under the impression that Nina was my girlfriend, which actually struck me as somewhat funny. They had no idea that I was screwing the brains out of various teenaged girls before they got home. They even expressed pride that I still went over to Anitaรขโฌโขs and mowed her lawn or cleaned her windows or babysat her kids or put her storm windows up or took them down. They had no idea that their dear friend was paying me for these services in something more valuable than mere money. I donรขโฌโขt believe even Tracy knew what the score really was between Anita and I. The months went by. The frigid chill of winter gave way to the spring of 1983.
I heard through the grapevine that Mike was leaving school to go to independent study classes. This rumor filled me with dread and reminded me that I still had a piece of unfinished business. Independent study was one of those state-sponsored atrocities that accounted for more dropouts than anything else. I should actually say IS, since the thing still existed before my recycling. What happens is a poor student is encouraged to leave mainstream high school and go to a separate campus for study. They are required to be there only twelve hours a week and are given various assignments to complete at their own pace.
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They and their parents are told that they can graduate this way if they only complete the meager amount of work that is supplied. What inevitably happens is that the student in question finds that even twelve hours a week is too much and they eventually leave it for the abyss of drop-out status. The whole thing is nothing more than a false hope for parents and a dead-end for students. Mike was no exception. He would be in independent study for less than two months before leaving school behind forever. He would eventually pay money to be crammed for his GED so he could get into the Air Force where he would ultimately be dishonorably discharged for marijuana use.
I had to take a shot at preventing this. I simply had to. That week I had my Dad deposit only $24. 50 in my savings account, keeping an extra fifteen bucks for myself. Naturally, since this was a break in the routine, he questioned it.
รขโฌลSwaying from your convictions a little?รขโฌย He asked as I handed him the deposit slip. I shrugged, grinning sheepishly. รขโฌลI guess you guys are right. รขโฌย I told him.
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รขโฌลI SHOULD enjoy myself once in a while. I thought Iรขโฌโขd just blow fifteen bucks on something this time as a reward. รขโฌย
รขโฌลWell good for you. รขโฌย Dad told me. รขโฌลWhat are you going to spend it on?รขโฌย รขโฌลNo firm plans. รขโฌย I lied. รขโฌลMaybe Iรขโฌโขll just spend it all on video games down at the arcade. You know, Space Invaders and all that?รขโฌย
รขโฌลWell you deserve it. รขโฌย He told me, putting his signature next to mine. The following Monday at school I found Steph wandering through the halls. She was glad to see me.
รขโฌลDo you think maybe your brother can get me an eighth of some good greenbud?รขโฌย I asked.
รขโฌลDoes the Pope shit in the woods?รขโฌย She smiled. รขโฌลYou got the cash?รขโฌย I handed her fifteen bucks, a ten and a five. She took it from me and then peeled off the five and handed it back to me.
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รขโฌลFor you itรขโฌโขs only ten. รขโฌย She smiled. รขโฌลIF, you let me bring it over to your house today to deliver it personally. รขโฌย I looked her up and down, remembering what her body had felt like beneath mine.
And it was five bucks. Iรขโฌโขd certainly made worse deals in my life. รขโฌลYouรขโฌโขre on. รขโฌย I told her.
รขโฌลJust show up right after school. I have to work today. รขโฌย
รขโฌลIรขโฌโขll be there. รขโฌย She promised, stuffing the ten into the pocket of her jeans. She was there. She handed me a plastic baggie of pungent pot and then we retired to my bedroom. I enjoyed her body in as many different ways as I could imagine while she enjoyed mine.
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She left with a smile on her face.
I stuffed the pot sheรขโฌโขd given me under the center of my mattress and headed for the shower. I had to be to work shortly after Dad got home. The next day, Tuesday, I found Mike wandering through the halls between third and fourth period. I took a deep breath and then walked up to him, matching his pace when I was beside him.
รขโฌลWhatรขโฌโขs up Mike?รขโฌย I asked carefully.
He looked over at me, his face registering instant hostility, obviously debating whether or not to speak to me. Finally he said, รขโฌลNothinรขโฌโข. รขโฌย รขโฌลHavenรขโฌโขt seen you in a while. รขโฌย I commented.
He shrugged. รขโฌลBeen busy. รขโฌย He told me.
I nodded wisely. รขโฌลYeah.
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รขโฌย I replied. รขโฌลMe too. Workinรขโฌโข and everything. Listen, I was thinking that maybe we could get together after school today. Bullshit a little you know. Just like old times. รขโฌย
รขโฌลNaw. รขโฌย He said instantly. รขโฌลGot things to do. รขโฌย
I nodded again. รขโฌลOkay. รขโฌย I answered, knowing that I was resorting to dirty tricks but it was a desperate situation, wasnรขโฌโขt it? รขโฌลToo bad. I just scored an eighth of some killer greenbud. รขโฌย
His eyes lit up like pinball machines. รขโฌลReally?รขโฌย He asked, his disinterest dropping away instantly.
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รขโฌลYeah. รขโฌย I said. รขโฌลBut itรขโฌโขs cool. If you got things to do. . . . รขโฌย รขโฌลWell I can probรขโฌโขly come over for a while. รขโฌย He put in. รขโฌลYou know, we havenรขโฌโขt hung out in a while. รขโฌย
รขโฌลCool. รขโฌย I said, suppressing a smile. รขโฌลIรขโฌโขll see you after school then. รขโฌย
รขโฌลRight. รขโฌย
On the way home from school I asked Tracy and Cindy if they maybe wanted to go to the mall for a few hours before Dad got home from work.
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รขโฌลThe mall?รขโฌย Cindy asked, lighting a cigarette. รขโฌลI was hopinรขโฌโข you had some new albums to show me today. รขโฌย
Tracy gave her a look of annoyance and then turned to me. รขโฌลWhatรขโฌโขs the matter Billy, you gettingรขโฌโข shy about your study sessions with our friends?รขโฌย รขโฌลNo. รขโฌย I answered. รขโฌลNot at all. I have something important to do today. Mikeรขโฌโขs coming over. รขโฌย
รขโฌลMike!รขโฌย Tracy said, disgusted now. รขโฌลThat fuckinรขโฌโข hoser! I thought youรขโฌโขd wised up and stopped hanginรขโฌโข out with him. รขโฌย
รขโฌลPlease?รขโฌย I said, not of.