Cuckold
2010-03-20
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT
By roccodadom44
roccodadom6969@yahoo. com
It wasn't suppose to end like this, but maybe it was. Yeah, I was another of those little dicks who wanted it all. You cant fucking have it all, sometimes you cant have any. Sitting in my furnished apartment, all by myself, over thinking how a fantasy can get out of hand, fast, once unleashed. I took a boring, but safe and functional, marriage and destroyed it, all because I wanted to act out my feelings of inferiority, just because my cock is undersized.
It nagged at me from the start of our relationship, that weird game all wimps play, if my attractive, successful, wife wants me, a clearly inferior man, then what is wrong with her. It was easy at the time to convince myself that I wanted to see her get a real man, and being obsessed with size, a real man meant a horse cock. That was a mistake, women, and my wife is definitely one, need more that a big cock to get hot, they want a real man attached to it, and there in lies the problem, the very likely chance that your wife will decide to leave you for a clearly superior man, and in the end that usually is not a hard choice for her to make.
That is what happened to me, Tony, 35 5' 7, 165, balding, three inch penis hard, not fat, just never been in shape. I know, I know its my fault, I could have gotten in shape, gotten the hair done, but the cock thing was always there, or rather, not there. The flashbacks to the teasing in the showers at school, the absolute look of either disgust or humor on girls faces when they first saw my penis, the inability to use a public urinal, so I knew deeply, that I was less than whole, and that causes problems, emotionally and physically.
I survived high school, by being nerdy and invisible, and college, by hard work and no social life. Boring, yes, but I got a great job, engineering degree, and accepted that my life revolved around work and pathetic fantasies ofsubmission. Yeah, they were always there, sometimes so heavy I could only scratch that itch by acting out. Thank god for adult theaters, and peep shows, a place for loser straight guys like me to get some humiliation.
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I wasn't gay, didn't view guys in a sexual way, it was the shame of sucking cock I was after, and it was cool for awhile, but they call them trolls for a reason. The losers hanging around those places tended to be ugly and tiny dicked, in denial fags, and that was not the fucking point, I needed to submit to a good looking, confident straight stud, with a woman present, that made it hot.
It was in one of those dirty places that I first learned that I liked it rough and nasty. I was just minding my business, sucking off trolls, when a huge black guy pushed open the door to my booth, stepped inside, locked the door, and proceeded to manhandle me. He ended up fucking me, something I had never done before, and I loved it, not so much for the sex, but, again, the abuse, for he hurt my balls with his huge hand, twisting my sack hard, while fucking me, and verbally taunting me, in the most delightful way. I dug it, would have done any thing for him, that was scary, and a little disconcerting, to say the least. To know that I could get those intense feelings from having a guy abuse me, all my fantasies, to that point had a woman some where in them, that was heavy.
I really did not want to go out with her, and the guys from work thought I was dopey, or maybe a closet fag, and she thought I was just shy, in a good way. But I knew it would be a diaster, She was a real woman, almost as tall as me, 135, flaming red hair, fat C tits, big fat perfectly shaped ass, her body was built to fuck, and I was not, that was that. At the bar that night, she was so funny and persistent that I gave in, and even was looking forward to a date, with a real woman. Terry, Terry, I was hooked, she had it all, good looks, good job, good family, great personality. She was the girl who could talk to everyone, and anyone, she was just fun to be around.
Thank god for booze and darkness. The first time we did it, I was drunk enough that I could at least stay hard, and I did get in her and actually poked around for five minutes or so, before shooting my little puddle of cum, on her thigh. It was exciting and humiliating when she used her hand to finger her self off and she told me that I left her hanging.
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Wow, she just says what she feels, that was nice to know how she felt, but it was a bit jarring at the boldness of it. She was big enough that I really didn't feel anything except wetness, and figured she didn't feel much either. I guessed I was done, but she seemed determined to have a relationship with me, so we puttered along, dating once a week and then more frequently
The sex was mostly oral, me going down on her and she yanking my noodle till I came. It always got to me, that I had this completely sexy girl with me, half undressed, and I almost always ended up with a hand job, just a fucking hand job. What could I do, I was grateful that I actually could say Terry was my girl friend, though it scared me something awful. Just looking at other guys, presumably better hung, leering at her hurt me inside, watching how easily Terry interacted with other guys, she was being herself but the guys were flirting, with evil intentions, I was sure. The pain in my stomach was fierce, always sure she was either fucking around, or would start soon. . The intense feelings of wanting Terry to cheat, versus, the intense feelings of shame for feeling that way, played havoc with my emotions, making me moody and paranoid.
Got through the first year of marriage, mostly because we were both busy working, and we had settled into a routine, boring, but familiar, and I started to think that I could pull this off, satisfying a real woman, but, no I had to fuck everything up by pressing matters. I had brought up threesomes, and her having sex with others, she even started to talk dirty while pulling my dick, actually getting really good at throwing in a little humiliation for me, like she knew what the deal was, and maybe she did. She made sure I knew she was disgusted with my kinks, and this we both knew was important. I needed the humiliation of her disgust to be turned on, and she needed my submission to empower her to take ownership of her sex life.
Well, I succeeded at something, it turned out to be pushing my wife into other guys arms, or rather cocks. A vacation, someplace far away from home is always the preferred way, she lets her guard down, maybe has a few extra drinks at dinner, decided what the fuck, she feels empowered, lost some weight for the vacation, feels her body is hot, and I thought I was on my way.
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Again, fantasy and reality,are not the same. She was going to do this how she wanted to, not on my terms, that became clear from the get go. Funny, I knew that first night, it was over, only a matter of time, before she figured it out, I was only going to disappoint her.
The guy was older than us, in great shape, and it turned out, well hung. It seemed he just appeared next to us at the bar, and before I could control the situation, my wife had already decided that she was taking Dan, that was the guys name, back to our room. When Dan went to the bathroom, Terry told me in an excited voice she was going to make my fantasy reality. All you cucks know what happened next, I, of course had extreme misgivings, and started to protest, but the way Terry hushed me, like I was her child, sealed the deal. She simply told me either we did this tonight with this guy or that I was never to bring up my sick fantasies again. I knew Terry, she was serious, so, I took the bait and uneasily agreed that she could fuck Dan, like I even had a choice.
Its tough enough sitting at a bar having this conversation, trying to be discreet, but when Terry told me she was taking Dan to the room alone, and I could knock on the door in one hour, I was stunned and stammering my refusals. Well Dapper Dan chose this moment to rejoin us, and Terry used this time to tell Dan that I wanted him to take her back to our room, alone. Christ, I hated the way Terry had played things, but more, I hated that look on Dans face, smug, amused, he knew he was better than me, he knew he was fucking Terry, and I was not. I fucking loved that look, I masturbated in the bar restroom as soon as they left, I was so fucking overcome with emotions watching Terry walk out the lounge door, hand in hand with a guy, who she was going to fuck, no doubt about it, no fantasy, just the real thing,that's fucking immense.
The longest hour of my life, that's about right. It was a second floor room, balcony overlooking the beach.
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I actually tried to climb the drain pipe, so as to see in the balcony slider, I was so obsessed with what was happening in that room. You know you have a problem, or at least you should know, if your trying to climb to your second floor hotel room, to see your wife get a cocking. There was a certain feel of losing grip on reality, like as if I could not stop myself now, even if I wanted to. I had a three inch boner that would of knocked down a fence, if my belly did not hit the fence first, it would. Giving up the attempt at climbing the drain pipe, seriously I had trouble climbing out of bed, I could only fuck myself up with physical activity.
Walking the hallway, pass their door, no noise, walk the hallway, pass their door, laughter, real laughter from Terry, that hurts. I want her to get fucked, not have fun. Another valuable lesson, of course, Terry was having fun, a good looking, successful, older man was doing his best to flatter her, and every girl liked a little wind blown her way. I was on that sword, one side incredible sexual excitement at the fact that my wife was in a hotel room witha stud, the other side, the debilitating depression, that she was not going to ever view me the same. I knew that like it was set in stone, but my tiny willy was driving the bus, and it wanted humiliation, like this was not fucking enough. It was over a hour, but I had just heard Terry moan, in a sexual, I'm fucking happy way, not that I ever heard Terry sound that happy before. Couple walking by think I'm a fucking pervert, listening to the obvious moans of pleasure Terry was screaming from the other side of the hotel door.
Finally the door opens and there dressed, and smiling, like an idiot is Dan, mouthing the innocent, yet so filthy, words, " anytime you need a hand with your wife, little fella, you just give me a call," and he was off, and I was trying to take in everything at once. She was on the bed, under the sheets, smiling, and she patted the edge of the mattress, as if to say sit here, and only here, I did. Her face was shiny, her eyes were alive, the smell in the room was fuck smell, big time, her neck had a growing hickey, wow, its real.
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My wife got fucked, well fucked.
"I still love you, but", she actually said that to me, that but is the most evil word ever, because after that but is always, always horrible news. This was no different, " There is no way I can go back to a normal relationship, but I want to stay married, so Tony, you need to drop the attitude and accept that you wanted this, and now I need this. " I did the conditioned begging, pleading, all for naught, she decided, and that was that. Being her, she told me she would make things up as we went along, in no way would this be scripted to meet my perverted fantasies. Again, this was not what I wanted, but it was what I was gonna get.
She did let me see her spoiled pussy, and it was stunning, how battered and bruised it looked, like Dan had assaulted her, and he had. The smell was potent and it drew me, and she laughed at my weakness, "Do it, you know you want to taste him. " I did, and it was heady and emotional, to actually eat another mans sperm from your wifes cunt, it is quite a big step to take. That kind of step you take, and immediately its done, you can never go back, ever. I would always be a sperm eater to her.
Her look of disgust and amusement, at my willingness to humiliate myself was evident as I searched her face for some sense of where I stood, or not. Telling me she was tired, she quickly told me to stroke my cock off, and she gave me a brief outline of what happened earlier, it was not heavy on details, but this was her game now, and besides, I just had to cum looking at her well fucked cunt, right before me, so it only took two minutes. I came across her stomach and she simply cleared her throat. I knew what she wanted, but Ihad just cum, and every guy knows that changes everything.
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"I don't want to do that anymore," I sniffed, and even I knew, I sounded like a three year old.
Her rage was fast and furious, she was out of bed and screaming, " Things have changed ass hole, you will do what I tell you and that's that", I was really scared of her, I had shrunk from my wifes anger, like a pussy. She didn't miss that, I saw the victory in her eyes, the understanding that she had won. She ordered, this wasn't role playing spanking, she was pissed. I suspected the anger was deeper than my present whining, I think she needed to punish me for being weak, for me not being Dan. She did punish me, I fucking cried like a baby, she laughed. It wasn't the way I wanted this, every cuck wants his wife to spank him, but fuck, this was a savage ass whooping. Her belt was hard leather and it hurt, not ooh that burns nice, no, it hurt like I only wanted it to stop, my cock, or no part of my body, found this to be fun, not at all. When I was broken, cowering, she made me lick my sperm off her stomach, and fuck what I wanted. I would do what she wanted, one way or the other, and the other wasn't a fucking tea party.
That she made me sleep on the floor only deepened my sense of insecurity, where did I stand, not good, if I was sleeping on the hotel floor. She didn't even kiss me goodnight, just told me she needed her rest, and she didn't want me bothering her, so on the carpet I slept. Not well, I was battling a hurricane of emotions, and to hear her sleeping contently, lightly snoring, only drove home the divide that now was between us.
I mean I could never look her in the eye as her husband, I knew I was reduced in her eyes, but to what, and that was the question I wrestled with all night. Of course being a pervert, I also stroked myself off twice at the thought of what happened earlier, and strangely more potent, wasthe notion of her having me sleep at her feet.
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That was heavy,and I had a quick panic attack, what happens if when we got home she wanted me to still sleep on the floor. Its no wonder I got no sleep. First night here in paradise and I was ready to go home. Another jolt, I didn't even know if Dan was staying at the hotel or not, God, I didn't want to see his smug face again.
Watching the sun rise from your balcony over looking the ocean, should be a soothing thing, I was on edge, felt like I was hyperventilating,heart racing, the fears pounding my brain, what if, what if, I could only play that so long, I went and turned the television on, to distract myself. Big fucking mistake, sleeping beauty was on the offensive. "Jesus your fucking annoying," she sneered at me. God her body was beautiful, and I saw the welts on her tits, from lover boy, it got me excited, I am a fucking sick bastard. Damn,I was way to timid to ever mar Terrys skin.
Throwing my cellphone at me she ordered me out of the room and told me she would call when she got up. Wow, sitting out side the door, like a dog kicked to the curb, this sucks, I shuddered when I considered that I never even questioned her right to put me out of the room, like a fucking child, I certainly wasn't a man. Well I knew Terry liked her sleep, so I figured I was on my own, for a while. I walked, head down, feeling sorry for myself, just wandering the complex.
This hotel is huge, so many fucking rooms, and here I was wandering around, like a fucking homeless loser, and in a way, I was.
The black security guy is giving me the eye, big black bastard, probably has a two foot cock, like a fucking boa constrictor, getting turned on at that thought,.
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I am truly fucked. Starving, but Terry had the cash and my debit was on the room desk, fucking great, maybe I can find a used room service tray in one of the halls, maybe get a job here as I wasn't doing much else except waiting for Terry, laughing at my state, that's good. I needed to accept that what happened happened, and now it was up to Terry, it felt good to dodge all responsibility. Like the freak coward I was, I would let Terry lead, and I would take my chances.
When she called my cell, my penis got hard, along with the heavy feeling that I was gonna puke. She was very nice and told me to come to the room. It made my cock ache the way she had me wait outside the room after I knocked, it was only a couple of minutes, but it seemed years. She looked alive, stunning, like she hadnt a care in the world. Wearinga yellow sun dress over her bikini, and open toed heels, she was truly a beautiful woman. Freshly showered, touch of makeup, I could cry at her beauty, seriously thought of kneeling at her feet, fuck, I am fucked.
The kiss was deep and sensual, her tongue felt obscene in my mouth, her forcing her saliva into my mouth made me woozy, her telling me she loved me, well I did cry, and she held me,and I never felt smaller or weaker, or safer. Terry was in control, she knew it, I knew it. I could smell her cunt, she really was excited at my submissiveness, wow, that was surprising. I didnt think she would want that role, maybe she did, wow.
After I showered we went to breakfast, and then antiquing, and it was special.
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She was funny, interesting, just walking from store to store, her with her hand in my back pocket, that familiarity, I couldn't of been happier, even though I knew she had made every choice, where we ate breakfast, where we shopped, what we bought. At one point I started to buy a book, And in front of the amused clerk, she took the book out of my hand sneering "I think you have enough books you havent read already. " wow, my cock stirred, my face reddened, the clerk smiled knowingly, Terry was all ready walking out the door, you couldn't ask for a better humiliating setting than that.
I was getting it, we could have a great day together, but I had better remember who was the captain of the ship. Terry was not a trivial girl, she had decided that this was how things were, and this is how they were. She had all ready adjusted to this new reality, it was I who needed convincing, and Terry knew that, she was prepared to mold me, shape me into what she wanted, not what I desired, or thought I desired, but what she desired.
Laying at the pool, Terry looking fine in her bikini, guys eating her up, she was that girl, a bikini was more obscene on her curvatious body, than if she were naked. The very real gravitational struggle of her boobs trying to escape her bra, was quite compelling. The way the sun lotion made her freckled skin shine, the way her hips swayed out, as if reminding you she was all woman, not that that was ever a doubt. I loved the way other women would give Terry that little look, like fuck you, so your way hotter than me, big deal. I loved that, Im proud she is that woman. Quite daunting, just the same.
Giving her an intense massage, back in the room, wondering if she will let me sleep in bed, or just massage her. I am heavy subbing for her, the massage is a great way for a guy like me to make love to a woman, no shit. Other than no orgasm, she looked and sounded the same as if she was getting fucked, by a man.
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I could give her that, I needed to give her that, I was lost in pleasing her, being with her, when she kicked my nuts, verbally. "Dan sent me a text, and I am going out to dinner with him. ", no doubt in that statement, she was not running it by me, she was already mentally thinking about what she would wear, I could feel that detachment from me, I was not important, not right now.
At least I didn't whine, I tried to seem nonplused, she let me help her dress, another big cuckold moment. She was so fucking beautiful, the tan lines around her soft fat breasts, her smoothly shaven tanned legs, the way the green silk cocktail dress played against her red hair and stunning green eyes, her perfume, just enough to draw you in, her radiant smile as she watched me, her husband, buckle her three inch strap sandals. I think she sensed that I was frantic as she prepared to leave. She threw me a bone, "Remember, I love you, and if your good Ill give you a surprise when I return. " I so wanted some assurance, like roughly what time she wouldreturn. Her demeanor suggested that she had said all she would, and as she applied makeup, there was the sound of a horn from the balcony that faced the parking lot.
To see Dan behind the wheel of a bright red corvette, bummed me deeply. See, I wanted him to fuck Terry, I accepted that, I admitted that. But I fucking didn't want this shit, Terry driving around with Dan, like a couple. Yeah well, as Ive stated endlessly, it was out of my hands, Terry would do what she had to do, I would do what she told me. She gave me a haphazard kiss, and on her way out the door laughed "Tony, don't wait up, I have a feeling I may be a bit late. " She was gone, and I physically sobbed, I mean real tears came, as I scurried to the slider, and hiding in the drapes, likethe wimp I was, watched Terry climb into the convertible, kiss Dan on the mouth, and they drove off, her head resting against his body, it all hurt so much, yet my cock was leaking precum, I was so off the wall fucking horny.
Wanting to call her and beg her to come back, realising she had taken my cell phone, she would always be one step ahead of me.
I needed out of the room, and so I took to the beach, and head down, walked and walked, trying to stop the conflict in my head, wishing I could one hundred percent accept I was a wimp,and be the best sub I could be, but still swinging back to wanting to have Terry as my wife, knowing that was over, the finality of it was so dark, so imposing. I just sat on a dune near tall grass, and wallowed in my pity, broken, defeated, oblivious to my surroundings. I did sense him, behind me in the grass.
He was urinating and he was looking away from me, but I had his side profile. Black, big, fat, and his cock looked like a fucking weapon, the piss pouring out like a fucking river, his balls looking potent, ready always to get the job done, he was a man. I didn't think it, I cant really explain it, but I was on my knees giving this guy a sloppy, if amaturish, blowjob, right in the grass as he stood above me like a fucking king. How I got my legs to move over there I dont know, but there I was.
It was fucking liberating, I felt like this was me, for the first time I allowed myself the luxury ofembracing my wimpiness, if you would, and that was empowering to me. Yeah I was a fucking loser tiny dick, but I was gonna get some good out of this, and if Terry was going to ignore my needs, I would find someone to debase me. So, there. My black man needed no hints, as he tried to stuff his freak cock down my throat, and he kept telling me I was a good white boy, which I didn't feel like, as I gagged and wretched on his fuck stick. His cock tasted so good, salty, yet that sweet flavor of precum near the head. His cum was plentiful, and I really felt good eating it, and that scared me, a little. I wondered as I stared at his softening monster, coated in my saliva and his man juice, what it must be like to have a cock like that.
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It was so fucking impressive, I needed to touch it, but he slapped my hand away, and zipping up,told me to fuck off, and was gone. So much for an after suck drink. I was okay with that shit, I was a guy, kind of, and understood the after cum hostility when in these strange situations.
Watching all the couples walking around the complex was depressing and so I figured hiding in the room was best, it really was growing, the anxiety of where was Terry, what was she doing, again the absurdity of hoping she was fucking, as opposed to having fun with Dan out of the bedroom. It is impossible to count the revolutions of a ceiling fan, I tried. I stared at the television, did not see it, never once losing sight of the fact that my wife was with a date. I tried to read, tried to sleep, paced the room, it was fucking intense. I didnt see how I could take it, thought about calling the cops, giggling madly at telling them the details of where Terry was. I needed to masturbate, to take the edge off, and it was intense, the feelings, thinking about Terrys laughter and moans from last night, I came quick, maybe twenty pulls, and knew I could now sleep, the sleep of the cucks.
Where the fuck am I, and where is Terry. I hate that waking up on the road and that second of confusion. Usually it ends with a smile at the awareness of where you are, but in this case Terry was still not here, and the big red numbers on the alarm clock, on the night stand, were shooting laser beams into my eyeballs, angrily accusing, 410,410, where the fuck is your wife. 411, fuck it was 411am and Terry was not here, this was bad, I really had bile come up my throat, this was hands shaking bad. I was pissed that she would do this to me, to leave me so utterly hanging in time, unsure of her safety, unsure of our future, wretching with dry heaves into the toilet, while she was living it up. Then black dread, that maybe she was hurt, dead, lying in a ditch somewhere, waves of heavy emotions like a one ton coat weighing me down, fear, self pity, tears, hugging the shitter, and I didnt even have a fucking hangover.
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Eating crackers from the mini bar, everything really is mini, go figure, splitting headache, sour stomach, starving, again, Terry has the cash, and as I stumble around the room, it seems my debit card is gone. Wow, Im starting to think Terry is putting more thought into this than at first glance. No phone, no money, fuck thats just great. Hot shower feels great, I almost feel okay, but Im still on edge, its all so fucking intense. I feel like Im suffocating.
Walking down to the beach, what the fuck, I need air, room to breathe. Suns rising, beautiful, but I see no joy, only angry black. Noticing the couple snuggling at the water line, watching the sun rise in your lovers arms on a beach in florida, thats pretty cool, not that I would fucking ever know. It was the laugh, I heard her distinct hard laugh, if I had been shot, the pain and surprise would of been less,Im sure. It was devastating, I kid you not, I farted, I so lost control. I was shattered emotionaly, humpty dumpty my ass. Oh it hurt so bad to see her in his arms, so fucking familiar, oh, so comfortable, it crushed my will to live, it was that powerful. I was never stupid, I knew what it meant, she was that comfortable with another man, it wasnt just sex with her, she wanted to be with another guy, and that was not good, no how.
I did make it back to the room and even stripped and got under the covers, like I could hide from the truth, I was never going to watch a sunrise with my beautiful wife,on a tropical beach, after making love all night. She might take me shopping with her, or a show she wanted to see, but I would never do anything romantic with her again, I knew this as the stone cold truth, and it numbed me, kind of wanted to just get the thing over with, move on.
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I knew I was being insanely premature, like my orgasms. We were on vacation, she was living out a fantasy, as much as me, when we went home everything would be fine. No, I didnt buy it, I saw her desire to be with Dan, not sexually, just to be with him, and not with me. She could of fucked him, for hours on end, and then come back and drag me to the beach, to watch that glorious show together, she made her choice.
She was so quiet, slipping by the bed, I noticed, through slitted eyes, that she looked worn, and then she was in the bathroom, and I could hear the shower. Relief that she didnt want me to clean her, and then sadnes that she didnt even want to share that with me. I thought about leaving while she was in the shower, where the fuck would I go, I did get my phone, debit card, and two hundred dollars from her purse, though I felt bad taking my money, go figure. I was pretty sure when she came out she would want to sleep, and I could see me being shown the door, so I figure I should at least be prepared with some money. Changing into swim suit with shorts over, I got a knapsack ready with a change of clothes,figuring I might as well enjoy the day, seeing I wasnt wanted here.
She had a towel around her midsection,and another tied around her sweet hair, yeah, I have a fetish for red hair. She seemed concerned at my obvious sadness, but looking at my bag next to me, her eyes smiled and she mocked me, sneering, "are you gonna run away, Tony, is that the best you can do?", it hurt, it hurt fucking bad, but I was pretty numb, really at that point I wanted to just get away, not run away, get away, theres a difference. When I told her I would be back later, and made for the door, she stopped me with "Please let me explain,' and I was sure it was going to be, not good.
It poured out of her, she needed time to think, she was sorry, she was confused, didnt want me to hate her, didnt want to hurt me, it was coming at me one hundred miles a hour. No one could process all this shit, I heard the old needing time to think, we all know what that means, I dont have the balls to tell you the bad news to your face. She needed sleep and I needed space.
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It was kind of strange that she was bawling how sorry she was as I left for the day, I mean she could of asked me to stay with her. I did sense a finality when the door closed, as if we were divided forever more, and when I discovered I was more interested in what to do today, than dwelling on what I already accepted as done, that me and Terry were finished, it was as if I were empty of all humanity, it was all so fucking tiring. That loss can also be freeing, in that even the most stubborn fuck, and Im not really that strong willed to be stubborn, has to give up against that overbearing weight of impending doom, so this absolute finality, at least shut all doors for me, so in a sad way, it made it easier to get on with it.
Aimless, that was me, a few hours soaking up the sun on the sand, a walk through town, the day was passing, but I was only going through the motions. I did go back and buy the book that Terry denied me yesterday, so there, the clerk was real impressed, Im sure. Of course I stopped by the post office, and mailed it home, not wanting to get ass whooped again, cant be to careful, my cheeks still stung from the beating I had received earlier. I dont know if it was the emotional overload or what, but I was starving, and needed to get lunch. The place looked dirty, but so was I, so I decided to stop and get a bite, and have a few drinks, figuring if I got back to the room around six, Terry would be gone for the night. I was determined to spend as little time with her as she apparently wanted to spend with me. Yeah that was punishing her, and then I realized I didnt want to punish her, I really just wantedit over, and that again weighed me down.
The bar was populated by the nastiest bunch of white trash I had ever seen. It was a nondescript dive, but it had food and I was hungry, so it worked. The stripper pole in the corner, was a nice touch, as I looked around the bar, I had to laugh at the ugly broads, and wonder if any of them were gonna take it off, Jesus, please no. You know the type, have spent there whole lives laying in the sun, and smoked and drank to excess, and now they looked like walking, talking beef jerky, not good. The guys wernt any better, not a set of teeth between them, I was not impressed by this collection of rabble.
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One guy stuck out though, He looked clean, and when he went to the mens room, I had to try, had to get that humiliation.
It stank something fierce in the dirty mens room, and the lone stall toilet was backed up and dripping shit stew on the beyond filthy floor. I stood next to him at the urinals,and his cock was impressive, cut, fat and ready to be polished. He made eye contact, and I dropped to my knees, and I was sucking to beat the band, That he let a little blast of piss down my throat, was very stimulating, to say the least. He actually grabbed my ears and used them to violently face fuck me, and that was good. His orgasm was fast and powerful, where the cum shoots down your throat, right into the stomach. When he was done he rubbed his fat sloppy cock all over my face, and then zipped up, and left me on edge, on the filthy shit house floor, really struggling with my inability to stop this bizzare acting out, I chose to blame Terry.
I finished my drink, refused to make eye contact with the fat cock I sucked earlier, headed out of the dive and decided to see if the room was empty, so I could just crash, I was physically and emotionally drained. It was horrible, the red corvette was parked near the room, oh fucking great. I didnt know what to do, it was six thirty, our last night here, and I had no where to sleep. This really sucked. maybe I should knock on the door, but I knew I didnt want to face Dan again, and definitely didnt want to humiliate myself in front of Terry, ever again, that game was over. I would call her but assumed she wouldnt answer, and the thought of them laughing at my voice mail begging Terry to let me in was to horrible to face.
Renting a room in the cheap motel down the road was fucked, but I didnt want to waste time playing games, and I felt like Terry would bust my balls if I returned to the room, it wasnt like she was going to send Dan on his way, just because I showed up. This room sucked, the furniture appeared to be made of cardboard, the television had lines on it, I didnt even know televisions could do that anymore, the bed had a bump in it, that cant be good.
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The whole thing seemed half ass, but the room was only eigthy five for the night, so what the fuck. The maid, in the hall, looked rough, I bet she could kick my ass easy. Remembering that I turned off the cell phone earlier, I checked for calls, and she never even tried to get me, wow, there it was, she had moved on. Again all she had to do was leave a message, but she really wanted me like this, confused and hurt, and I was starting to feel hate for her, and that was a shame.
To say the night passed slowly would be doing it a disservice, I hardly slept, tossed, turned, played the what ifs again, staring at the cheap popcorn ceiling with the cracks in it, one of them looks like the mississippi river, but what the fuck. It was a relief when the clock said five am, I could get out of bed and at least shower and dress for the trip home. I thought of leaving Terry a message, that I would just meet her at the airport, but I chickened out, and besides if we were going to fight, we should do it at the room, not the fucking airport. The shower felt good, but, fuck, I was tired, and the stress of being with Terry was eating at me. It had to be done, the flight was leaving at ten am and it was a hour limo ride there, so I figured I needed to leave the hotel at eight thirty, that didnt give me much time.
Well the fucking corvette was gone, maybe Terry and I could talk and at least be sociable on the way home, stuck on a plane, simmering at each other, could be a trying way to spend the day. I really wanted only to make peace for now, no mas. Devastated to see that she wasnt even here, and the note was piling on. Dear Tony, Dan wanted to show me some sights, so I will meet you at the airport, TerryPS please take care of the checkout and tip the maid, sorry for the mess. It was fucking nasty in here, the funk, cigarette smoke, cunt smell, I opened the slider and just wanted to jump, but it was only the second floor, and seemed a bit self defeating, so I just sat on the chair in the corner of the room and tried to take it all in.
The bed was trashed, and the fuck stain was still wet, like Dapper Dan left a calling card, fuck it.
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The realization that this didnt turn me on at all, was very strange, I didnt even feel revulsion at the creamy mess on the mattress, more like what else did I expect. There were a few empty beer bottles, over flowing ash tray,that Terry allowed the fucker to smoke was funny, she was real anti smoker, so I guess their are exceptions. I packed quick, and headed to the front desk in a relatively good mood, I even swallowed the one hundred and ninety dollar bar bill they tacked on to the room, I could roll with this, what didnt kill me made me stronger. I had reached the point of truly letting go. Thats not bad, that allows you some sense of proportion, yeah it would suck getting divorced, but the horror of being married to someone who cared so little for me, made it very appealing.
There was no way to misinterpret the signs that Terry gave me this week, she knew what she was doing, and it worked. She would make me divorce her, I started to laugh, I started to really laugh. She didnt think I could divorce her, she didnt think I had the balls, why would she. Well, its funny, now that I didnt want to be with her anymore, I mean really not be with her, I only wanted to win, what I dont know, but I needed to redeem myself, somehow. I sat there looking at the mess in front of me, and being an engineer, I looked at my problem coldly. A week ago I was sure I would do anything to keep Terry as my wife, now I wouldnt do the slightest thing to keep her, in fact, I would beat her to the punch, I would call her bluff.
Love the laptop, Terry always gave me shit about my time on it, funny, Im already considering her in the past tense, this was so brutally quick, my falling out of love. I had to accept the fact that because of the way Terry cut me off from her fucking, as if to say I could do what the fuck I wanted as long as I left her alone, it just killed our love completely dead. If at any time that first night she had brought me into it, that would have been different. She could of had me listen on my cell while they fucked, could of let me watch from outside the slider, any thing, but she wanted me away, she wanted a real affair, with me knowing that it happens, but thats it, and sorry that was not going to work.
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I managed to get my cousin to handle the filing for divorce, listed reason irreconcievable differences, what else. I managed to get the money in the joint savings switched to a secure account of mine, I would give her half in time but I didnt particularly trust her any more. I even got a real estate agent to hook me up with a short term furnished rental. But the big move, switching jobs, scared me awful.
There was no practical way we could work together any more, the company wasnt that big, no fucking way I could face that shit. The whispered "told you he couldnt make her happys," no thank you, it was scary changing jobs, but I had no fucking choice, and that by definition makes it easier. I loved the company we both worked for, they treated me great, I was respected and needed, but Terry wasnt going any where, she was just a secretary, and in this economy she wasnt getting a job anywhere as good as this one. No, I would leave, and contacting my old boss, I had a new job lined up, more pay, more interesting contracts, and they were giving me a month to start, but would pay me that month, up front, as a signing bonus, that made it very workable. I wouldnt even have to return to work and face the looks and rumors.
It also meant I didnt even have to ride home from the airport with Terry, I would just get a room, put my stuff at our place into storage till I straightened out the rental, and worked our the legalities of a divorce that had no joint property, we each had our own pensions, I had more, but we were only married three years, so I wasnt worried about having to give her money, and besides, I would give her money if it quicken the shit up, as I had this feeling that, at any moment, I could back down and revert to begging for her to love me.
Everyone in the hotel shuttle bus looked stressed, it was sad that we cant seem to even enjoy a vacation, there is just to much shit going down, all ways. The couples all looked pissed at each other, and I embraced my impending singleness, with something like acceptance. The Miami airport is a fucking diaster, you have to walk endlessly to get anywhere, and so help me God, no fucking body speaks english, but they have fucking guns. I had plenty of time and so I prebooked and got a seat, knowing we could sit apart, making things easier.
Jesus, she looked beat, like a she was returning from spring break, and she was.
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She was definitly looking for me, and found me, even in my little corner, behind my paper. Oh, well lets get it over with, was my only thought, though I was interested in her take on things. She took the light hearted approach,"Well I guess you wont ask me for that fantasy again," I think she expected me to laugh, I didnt.
"So your going to pout all the way home. " she continued probing for a weak spot.
"Terry, you have to let go, we need to let go. "
I saw the flicker in her eyes as she weighed the calm, serious tone of my voice, I think it scared her.
"Tony, I was just enjoying myself, Im sorry if I got carried away, its over, I wont see Dan again, it was just sexual"
" well fucking A, I feel better that it was just fucking. Hate to think you fell for the guy, you know like you really wanted to be with him all the time'
"thats not what I did, you wanted me to do this, its not fair to get pissed at me" she was relentless in her need to pretend. She wasnt stupid, she knew it was over, so why bother at all.
I sat her in the corner and I laid out everything from my perspective; her refusal to include me in the sex at all, her obvious romantic feelings for Dan at the beach, her making me spend almost twenty four hours worrying about her safety, and the really cunt way she left me with no phone and no money, and then stuck me with their bar bill. When she smiled at that I knew I had made the right choice. Her counter was weak, consisting of her pleadings that she was only trying to make it interesting for me. She also, and probably truthfully, said she couldnt have sex with a guy, and not have some feelings for him, and that Dan made her happy, and so when he asked her to watch the sunrise, she felt indebted to him. She really tried to blow the whole thing over, and seemed determined to get me to, as she put it, loosen up.
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"I fucked him, Tony, and it was great, but I dont want to be married to him, I want to be married to you, and we can work this out"
Listening to me go through the condensed version of my plan, she got real quiet, and I figured a scene was coming. She stayed rather calm, and went on beating the dead horse, it wasnt moving, it couldnt move, it was dead, like our marriage. I explained in certain terms my feelings and she denied that she got carried away with Dan. I am quick and I asked, "Terry are you going to contact Dan ever again?", her answer was quicker,
"No I told you it was over, thats why I spent the extra time with him", she tried to convince, but I simply
asked for her phone, which she handed over. I showed her where Dans number was in her favorites, I showed her the pictures she had taken of her and Dan posing around town, for fuck sake his face was her wallpaper. There was that flicker of a smile on her lips at Dans picture staring at both of us, he really did smile like he was deranged, like he was to happy,there is such a thing, you know.
"You really want to divoce me dont you?" she asked, she never seemed smaller, like she had become the child. I didnt want to do this here, in the airport. I agreed that I would pay for her lawyer, anything to get her to stop crying, it was sad, so fucking sad. Not because I was being mean by pressing the divorce, it was sad because up till then she could have admitted she fucked up and did me wrong, she could have offered to make things up to me, she could of paid me the money for their bar bill, she could of removed Dans pics and number, I really thought she would, but she didnt, she didnt even consider it.
She didnt do anything because I knew, and she knew, she was going to see Dan again. That was the sad part, her trying to convince her self that she wasnt in love with a fifty year old, chain smoking, boozing, full of bullshit, fairly well off guy. I mean for christ sake he drove a red convertible corvette, I thought all girls immediatly knew to avoid that feller. He wanted to be seen with Terry and fuck Terry, in no way would he ever take care of her needs, he was quite incapable of that, I was sure, and I suspected Terry knew, that being the reason she wanted me around, to be her fall back position, when Dan dumped her for another young broad, or she got sick of partying with a fifty year old teenager.
As much as I hate flying, the boarding call was a blessing, I needed to get away from her, the combination of anger and want, I was pissed at her, I still wanted her on some level.
What guy wouldnt want her, she looked so fucking nice, even with the red tear staind eyes. It amused me, though when as an after thought she discreetly rubbed my crotch and said not very convincingly, "I will give you anything you want if you come home with me" it was weak, very weak, she even smiled at the lameness of it. I made for the loading gate, like I was determined to have that, the last thing she ever said to me. Wow, it was weak, I expected more from her.
Never even saw her when we landed, and I had no check on luggage, so I was gone and that was that, some vacation, huh. She never tried to contact me, she had all my stuff moved to storage and sent me the key, no note, none needed, and the divorce was mediated, we didnt even have to be there together, so we never saw each other ever again, and that was sad. I learned to love the smallness of my studio, and my new job completely satisfied my intellectual needs. I also was blessed with the absolute certainty that I would never have a relationship with a woman again, and that was sad, but I only had to rcall my vacation with Terry to sober me up to reality.
Terrys name popped up occasionally, at parties, friends of friends, would say she was fine, or something vague. It was the blinking voice mail alerts, it said three, and I never get three at once. Something bad happened, I knew that instinctively. It was people that I had worked with , where Terry worked still, that I had remainedfriends with, telling me the crushing news, Dan had murdered Terry in Florida, wow, life sucks when you get right down to it. It seemed Terry didnt want to see him any more, and oldest story around, Dan, fifties, knows hes losing it, explodes at being dumped. That it was Terry who caught his pathetic rage, was a shame. Jesus, he carved her up with a fucking knife, thirty four times the report stated.
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Maybe I had grown up, cause I didnt get all emotional, I didnt pretend I could of done anything different, except maybe keep that fucking fantasy buried. . . . .
THE END
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